You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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