I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
