I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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