Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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