There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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