she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
