He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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