I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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