If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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