It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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