at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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