bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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