I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
