My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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