apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
