I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Randomize
