No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
