he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Randomize
