Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
