I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
