Apparently you make a good broom.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
