I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
The best revenge is premature balding
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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