I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
