He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
