My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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