he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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