I met the friendliest cop last night
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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