I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
