its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
