kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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