I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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