I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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