if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
