I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
