we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
