I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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