Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
