butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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