My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
