i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
