Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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