my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize