I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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