So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Randomize
