Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
