I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
