Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I will be naked everywhere
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
