I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
i believe in u and ur pee
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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