Im at strip club and am horny
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
