I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
