omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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