I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
