life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I'm bleeding and have questions
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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