so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
