A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
